16 Jul Need friends? 8 tips for making connections

My calendar looks very different this summer than it did last summer. I have social events on my calendar. Last year, nothing like that.

Yay! I missed connecting with friends. And I bet you did too. I think the lockdown was hardest on single people living alone.

Isolation is a risk factor

We were so concerned with avoiding disease last year that we avoided other people. But, isolation is a big risk factor for disease. Isolated people are more likely to have infections. They are also more likely to have high blood pressure, insomnia, atherosclerosis, depression, and even cancer. So should we have locked ourselves up all that time? I don’t know. I think it’s more important to ask what we can do to improve things now.

Lifestyle choices are very powerful. Only 10% of our health comes from the healthcare system. The rest comes from things like a healthy lifestyle, and of course genetics. We don’t have much control over our genetics (Wouldn’t it be fun to go back in time and pick the parents of our choice?), but we do have control over what we eat, whether we move, and our social connections.

What’s stopping us from having social connections?

Modern lifestyles, as well as the lockdown, don’t really encourage social connections. For example, we might work from home, have moved to a different city away from childhood friends and family, be overwhelmed keeping up with a job and family, or not really value making connections.

I felt this shift toward isolation. All my health coaching and my teaching were online over the last year. I really missed being with students or clients in person.

At the same time, some of us took deep dives into habits that helped us forget our loneliness. Red wine comes to mind. So does streaming movies. Need I mention ice cream? So now we might have the dual problem of minimizing bad habits and building up healthier ways to get connected.

Some ideas for making connections

As adults, friendships don’t just “happen” like they did as young people. Then you spent a lot of time in groups of people of similar age and interests. The time together and the similar interests helped you find compatible buddies.

The difference is now we have to be intentional. It’s not that hard once you realize you need to shift from letting friendship happen to you to making friendship happen yourself. Here are some ideas.

Show up

Accept invitations. But also give invitations. What’s the worst that could happen? The person says no. Or you end up with a dull companion for the event. More likely, that person is flattered and now has mentally added you to their “friends list”, whether they can join you or not.

Reach out

When you show up at a party, gathering, or exercise class, you can reach out to the people around you. “Hi, I’m Nancy. Do you come to this class often?” Yes, that’s not highly original but who cares. Most people only remember that someone who seems nice spoke to them. But that’s part one. Part two is to talk to that person again. And again. It’s the repeated exposure that allows you to make a connection and decide if you want to get closer.

Volunteer

You’ll be immediately thrown in a group of altruistic people who share your interest. Someone might be worth connecting with. Maybe someone wants to get coffee after the work is done.

Share yourself

Maybe you are really good at the first few steps of making friends. You reach out and have casual conversations, accumulating acquaintances. However, you can turn an acquaintance into a friend by sharing your inner thoughts or feelings. Be vulnerable. This is easier for some than others. It can feel risky to bare yourself but the benefits are usually worth it.

Join something

Any club, team, or association will do. And look among the members for those with whom you have something in common.

Be present

When you are around others, put your phone away. Staring at your phone is off-putting. It gives the message that you don’t feel interested in the people around you. Make eye contact and have an open body language. And while you’re at it, expect that people will like you. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Family values

Reconnect with your family. There’s kind of a breaking away period in young adulthood and adolescence which is necessary for your independence. But ask yourself if it’s not time to reconnect. As an adult, you reforge the terms of your relationships with siblings and parents, often for the better.

Contact me

I’d love to help you put any of these into practice. That’s how I work. I help you do what you want to do anyway. We find the obstacles so we can remove them. We search for your motivations to keep you going. Getting healthy and making connections is easier with an ally.

 

Comments: Share your concerns about connecting with others.

 

 

NAM: Social determinants of health

Psyche: How to make friends when you’re busy with adulthood

Chris Kresser: How relationships affect health and how to feel more connected

 

 

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